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The "Butterfly's Whisper" Blog

Welcome to my blog. I hope by sharing my own misophonia experiences, others who are frustrated with misophonia sensitivities will discover that they're not alone. I also hope that people who may not have misophonia will gain some insight about what it's like to have this condition.

Please feel free to post any comments or use the "Contact Us" page if you have any questions/comments you don't want to post online.

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Bullying in the Workplace

3/31/2015

6 Comments

 
In a day and age when stopping bullies is a HUGE topic in the news, it surprises me when I experience bullying by ADULTS.

I've been bullied much of my life - mainly because I was the only one with red hair in my class. (Kids who don't know better can be cruel to someone who is different ). It's really pathetic though when an adult who knows someone has a medical condition targets that affliction to be mean. That's what sufferers struggle with when debating about whether or not to tell someone that we have misophonia. If we're lucky, then the person we tell is compassionate and understanding of our discomfort. If we're not, then we risk having the person use that knowledge to deliberately torture us by triggering us more... 

I mentioned in my last post that, after discretely asking one of my coworkers to stop clicking his pen because it was triggering my misophonia, he callously gave me a hard time saying that this is an open office environment and I shouldn't expect everyone to cater to my needs. (In my opinion, kind of an overreaction to my having made a simple request to him one-on-one.) Today, as I was starting to wrap up things for the day, that same coworker deliberately clicked his pen ONCE right by my ear as he walked past me. I felt like standing up and saying, "What are you, ten years old? Grow up!" I mean, over half of the firm knows of my condition - it's the reason why I was allowed to move to the newly renovated space - yet he's the ONLY one who seems to have a problem with my having asked him to stop making a distracting noise. Everyone else of whom I've made a similar request has been very understanding and compassionate.

I haven't quite decided how I'm going to handle it if he does it again.  I could ignore him, but having been bullied in the past, ignoring usually let's the bullies know that they are getting to me and they keep on bullying. I know one effective way to stop a bully is to stand up to him - so I'm very tempted to politely, but firmly, confront him at the time of the act - even if the rest of the people in the room hear what I'm saying. (May even show him I am not embarrassed to stand up for myself.)  I'm also contemplating going to HR and without mentioning any names, explain what's going on (hopefully the firm will be against bullying too). That way, if I do stand up to him, I could also say something like, "HR is aware of what's going on, so I *highly* caution against bullying me again!" Maybe then he'd think twice about what he's doing (since I doubt he associates his actions with bullying.)

(Sigh!)... For now, I'm just going to sleep on it... Maybe I'll be able to think more clearly after some mindfulness meditation and releasing stress at my physical therapy workout in the morning.
6 Comments
Carol Beyer
4/1/2015 02:49:38 am

Go to HR. They have to address the issue.

Reply
Emlyn
4/1/2015 03:50:24 pm

Thanks, Carol. I appreciate your feedback!

Reply
Jim
4/1/2015 06:10:52 am

Don't go to HR. They have to address the issue. And bullies don't forgive this sort of thing. It's also likely that HR, even with good intentions, won't handle it very well. Their goals are different from yours.

It's unfortunate, but our need to control our environment makes it very difficult to work in many workplaces.

I used to think the key was an understanding boss. So prior to my last two jobs switches (I've only had six jobs in my life), I talked about my issues before being hired.

Because I have mad computer skillz, they were very anxious to get me on board and the job interview proved to be a very good way to introduce this disease and talk about environment.

They were good bosses. Maybe great bosses. Unfortunately, my co-workers weren't part of the hiring equation. Some were great, some weren't. And, as we know, it only takes one person to turn a comfortable workplace into a nightmare for us.

We're not in wheelchairs. We don't have disfiguring diseases. People hear about misophonia and unless they take the time to understand what it is, it makes no sense to them. Most people take their ability to filter out sensory input for granted. If you asked someone in that workplace, "doesn't it bother you that X just walked by your cube whistling," it's very likely he or she didn't even notice.

For us, the ability to filter sensory input is like a Michael Jordan leaping slam-dunk. For them, it's like breathing.

It's hard to know how to deal with this. Hardest with co-workers, I think. While most people will stop whistling or chewing stuff or whatever once, some take their workplaces very seriously. Criticism of this guy's pen-clicking is an insult to him. He feels pen-clicking is part of who he is in the workplace. Not that it's all that important. It's more symbolic. He's going to take a stand here.

He doesn't know about misophonia. It's likely he thinks you're the bully in this equation. If you try and explain it at this point, he'll dig in harder. It's best to avoid him.

I wish I had good news or advice. I don't think those of us with misophonia can work in an open office. At least not effectively. I was a terrible employee because I spent most of my day not trusting my brain to leap into a task. When you're on defense, you're not being creative or innovative or, really, getting your work done at all.

Reply
Emlyn
4/1/2015 03:55:26 pm

Thanks, Jim. I knew another misophonia sufferer would understand the internal debate I've been going through with regards to this situation. It's so sad when one bad apple could make an environment so unpleasant.

I appreciate your thoughts and will definitely try "sleeping on it" again. It may be that I let it go for a little while longer (perhaps even making a log, should he persist on his antagonizing antics). If I'm lucky, maybe he'll get bored with the whole thing, move on and get a life! :-)

Reply
Kelly Reverie
4/30/2015 04:27:20 am

Good for you for at least speaking up and asking someone to stop! That's something I have yet to gather the courage to do. I'm afraid I'll just build on the already moody/standoff-ish reputation that I feel like I have sometimes at work. And I want people to see my more sweet and patient side more often. :) I think just continuing to politely/assertively ask people to stop what they're doing, without acting threatening, is the best course of action in order to retain respect. With my friends, I try to integrate a bit of humor into those requests.

And I'm so sorry that you felt bullied. I know how much of a drag that can be. Thanks for sharing your experience.

Reply
Emlyn link
5/1/2015 05:16:21 am

Thanks, Kelly. I've gotten bolder about asking people to stop once I learned I have misophonia. Before I knew what misophonia was though, I kept my frustrations bottled inside - which is not healthy!

It's just a shame that with so much attention in the media about bullying, that adults are clueless about their bullying actions. What's worse is that people don't put two and two together that bullying in the workplace is the same as harassment! Bullying is a term associated with school kids, not adults, yet for whatever reason... Some adults never mature away from their bullying tendencies. It's sad really.

I think because I wound up just ignoring my coworker, he must've lost interest in picking on my triggers; so things have been fairly quiet over the past couple of weeks. (Hopefully, it'll stay that way!) :-)

Reply



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    About the Author

    Emlyn Altman has been suffering with misophonia for over 35 years, even though she only found out about the actual medical condition much more recently. As frustrating as the condition has been over the years, her heightened sensitivities across all the senses considerably influenced her talents within the visual fine arts (particularly sculpture), music (singing, piano, and many other instruments), writing, and culinary backgrounds, as well as professional achievements as an architectural lighting designer. Her goal in developing this website is to promote more awareness about misophonia and help other sufferers as well.


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