And no, I'm not talking about synesthesia.... Yes, fellow reader... Evidently noise has colors.

I was inspired by a comment to my 2/27/13 post on noise generators as coping tools to write a post on the "colors" of noise. (Thanks Sarah!) Up until the day when the doctor who diagnosed my misophonia suggested that I use noise generators to help mask my surrounding sound triggers, I only knew  of "white noise," probably from my days as a kid where there were many channels on TV that played static. (Long before cable was around. LOL!)  The doctor mentioned "pink" and "brown" noise too, but I still didn't quite understand the differences between the sound variations. When I did an online search to better understand how they differ, I discovered even more color variations. Who knew static could be so diverse?

If you go to the Wikipedia page on the colors of noise, it not only includes sound bytes where you can listen to a variety of sound "colors," but it also illustrates the the different noise variations as pictoral wave diagrams.  If I were to over-simplify what I perceive to be the differences between the different sound colors when I listened to them, the "warm" red/brown/pink noises have a much softer quality to the sound than the harsher "cool" white/blue/violet noises. On top of those variations, there's also the unofficial "black noise" which Wikipedia refers to as "silent noise." Now how's THAT for an oxymoron? (By the way, if you have trouble listening to the Wikipedia sound clips, try installing the free VLC sound application download. It can play any sound or video clip. In fact, a former I/T colleague once said to me, "If VLC can't play it, then nothing can.")

If you'd like to download an mp3 file of pink noise to play on Windows Media (or other) Player on a continuous loop, I found this website: http://www.pinknoisemp3.com/ You can even play a ten minute clip of the pink noise directly on their website too. I also found this other website, called SimplyNoise, that not only has sound files of white, pink, and brown noise, they also have apps: http://simplynoise.com/ that not only play white/pink/brown noise, but have a timer to automatically shut the sound off. (Looks like it's not a free app though.)

Another white noise sound generator that might be of interest is something I saw on Dr. Oz's 13 Miracles for 2013 episode. You'll have to sit through a plum advertisement and the description for miracle #3, but miracle #4 is another free app that you can download from Google Play called White Noise Lite. It has 40 looped sounds ranging from rain and waves to white noise and a fan blowing. It even allows you to set a sleep timer.

Regardless of whether the sounds are white/pink/brown noise or melodious  music played through noise cancelling earbuds., if they help to cope with misophonia triggers, I'm all for them!

So, I don't normally remember my dreams unless they were traumatic or unusually bizarre; but I will say that last night was the first time I've ever dreamt about misophonia.

I don't remember the majority of the dream other than the fact that the majority of it was located in an attic in the house where I first grew up (but haven't lived there in over thirty years). It's even weirder because the attic in the dream was very livable - completely furnished like a bedroom - whereas the one in my house as a child was just for storage, with exposed fiberglass insulation between the open beams.

Anyway, I just remember sitting at a table in that attic (not sure what I was doing there at the time), and a former colleague (someone with whom I worked over fifteen years ago) started whistling right behind me. My dream self was completely enraged and yelled at her to stop. What's weird is that I've never known her to ever whistle and in real life I've never reacted so angrily to a trigger before. Usually, I'd either walk away, put my earplugs in, or discretely try to ask the triggerer to stop.

I don't know what the dream means. Perhaps it was because yesterday afternoon I watched a YouTube video by Josh Furnas of a dramatization of what it's like to have misophonia and saw him yelling at the triggerer, albeit it was clear that the yelling was an artistic way of portraying what was happening in his mind. (Thank goodness it just had soothing music in the background instead of actual sound effects of the eating triggers he portrayed.) Perhaps after seeing that video, my subconscious wanted to release decades of bottled up frustration to misophonia triggers, even if it was only being released in a dream.

Is this just the beginning of my subconscious trying to communicate to my conscious self about our misophonia? Will the more I learn on my journey open that subconscious dialogue even further?

Okay, my brain wasn't literally sliced up, but the other reason why I traveled north this past weekend was to take advantage of a Living Social special deal to have a carotid and brain aneurysm MRI scan including 3D imaging for only $69. (They normally charge $1100. How could I say no to that kind of deal?!?!?) I figured that I'd inquire about other scans they could do while I was up there that might find something connected to my misophonia.

Before I go further, I should also mention that we had a blizzard Monday morning and my appointment almost got canceled. Luckily, they were really nice when I explained how far I drove to get there, especially since I was only a half mile from the clinic. Although we pushed back my appointment a couple of hours, by the time I got there, the roads were cleared off pretty well. The staff were all super nice and the receptionist even handed me a large Caribou mocha the moment I walked in the door.

After filling out the typical medical history forms, the doctor brought me into his office where he showed me examples of the types of scans they do and what kinds of things they look for when reviewing the results. For a geek like me who almost went into medicine (I love shows like House, ER, Grey's Anatomy...), I was fascinated! It was during this preliminary discussion that I explained to the doctor about my misophonia and asked if there were any other scans we could do to take a look at my brain. He showed me some well-being scans for brain matter density - like how a person with Alzheimer's has a very different scan than someone with a healthy brain; but when he mentioned about one scan that measures the area of the brain that deals with "fight or flight" responses, I said that's one scan I'd really like to do. I explained how people with misophonia typically have a "fight or flight" response to triggers and it would be interesting to see how that area of my brain looked. So, we settled on a couple of tests we were going to do and then I went into the examination room.

Unlike the last time I had an MRI (on my knee after a skiing accident), this was an "open" MRI, and I didn't even have to get into a gown. I was able to stay in my jeans and sweater, but had to make sure I wasn't wearing any jewelry or other metal objects. They whole exam took about a half hour. They even gave me some super-duper earplugs to wear, which cut down on the noise of the MRI somewhat but I still found myself trying to associate the various sounds the machine made as it was running. Sometimes it sounded like an industrial sewing machine. Other times it sounded like one of those toy water machine-guns. It's funny... As loud as the sounds were, they really didn't bother me.

When the tests were done, I went back into the doctor's office and we went over the scans together. I was very glad we talked about what he seeks in these test results because there were a couple of times that I pointed to blood vessels that seemed to have narrowing like what he showed in the earlier examples. He said they were nothing to worry about, but it's good that we now have a baseline scan for comparison in case I have similar scans in the future. We did notice that my "fight or flight" areas were not exactly symmetrical in size, but he was going to send the scans to another doctor for

In addition to the MRI scans I did on Monday, last week I heard about another type of brain imaging scan called SPECT. In my preliminary research, it seemed like it might be a way to study the brain in action. I figured if there was some way to determine if certain neurons or areas of the brain react when exposed to a trigger, the scan might help to gain more insight about misophonia. I asked several resources if SPECT could study the brain like that, and today I got a response from a doctor at a university's radiology department who said that it's not sensitive enough to do that kind of analysis. I was very grateful for his honesty. I'd rather know the truth upfront rather than waste time and money taking a test that isn't able to analyze the brain's response to triggers... Oh well. Onto the next leg of my quest for relief...

So, here I am traveling to an even colder part of the country than where I live to get a new car. (Long story, but the gist of it is that my current car lease is ending and there's not one single Toyota dealer in the entire state of Iowa that is a COSTCO authorized dealer - which is the program where I got my current and previous cars...) Originally, I was told that the car I wanted wasn't going to arrive at the dealer until the 25th but three days ago, the salesperson called me to say that the car arrived at the dealer early. Could I come up this weekend. It took a little rearranging of my schedule but I said, "Sure!" I totally forgot that today is St. Patrick's Day, a fact that hit me as soon as I pulled into the hotel parking lot yesterday...

The hotel is in an isolated area (yay) but it has a large, and popular, Irish pub restaurant attached to it. (Eek!) As soon as I opened my car door to head over to the hotel entrance, the sound of bagpipes filled the air of the parking lot and it was clear that there were going to be a lot of festive people there this weekend. (Evidently, there aren't that many restaurants in the area to begin with, and this is their busiest weekend.)

I asked the front desk person if she could put me in a room as far away from the restaurant as possible because of my sound sensitivities. She was wonderful. My room is in the highest part of the seven-floor hotel and I'm on an inside corner of the "T" shaped corridor. Only one neighboring room and the other side is the short leg of the "T" corridor. I couldn't have asked for a better room this festive weekend.

This morning I decided to have a relaxing breakfast so I went to the restaurant (that same Irish pub) and asked to be seated in a quiet spot (my typical request when going to a restaurant by myself). I couldn't believe it... The restaurant was packed and loud live music was playing. It was only 8:30 a.m. and the celebrations had already begun (unless they hadn't stopped after last night's festivities). One of the guests who was leaving the restaurant when I arrived was clearly annoyed by how loud the music was playing - and let the host know it. What's funny is that even though I'm sensitive to sound, I actually didn't mind the loud music. As I've mentioned before, the louder the better for me. I wasn't thrilled about the chaotic hustle and bustle of the restaurant in general though, but I didn't have much choice in the matter since there are not many options around here.

I lucked out though... While waiting for a "to go" order, so I could take my yogurt parfait and bagel into the lobby to do some more writing while my room is getting cleaned, a table that was butted up to the side of the fireplace opened up. The host asked if I wanted to sit down there, so I did. To be honest, I didn't even put in my earplugs because the loud music drowned out any of the eating sounds around me. Knowing that as the day goes on, the restaurant will get busier and busier with all the St. Paddy's festivities, I may likely make my lunch and dinner there "To Go" orders but who knows... Maybe the redhead in me might revel in the celebrations a bit while I'm here... I may not be Irish, but I sure look like I am.  I'll blend in quite well.   :-)

As much as moving to my new desk location has improved my exposure to triggers at the office somewhat, unfortunately it by no means has been a perfect solution. In fact, the move has added a trigger... My new neighbor on the other side of my partition has a habit of drumming her fingernails - not the pads of her fingers, her nail tips - on the hard wooden surface of her desk. I don't even have to see the motion of her drumming (which is one of my visual triggers). The rapid tack-tack-tacking of her fingers drumming over and over sends my nerves through the roof... She actually knows it bothers me but it's a very unconscious action for her. (Sometimes she even catches herself doing it and,  when I'm not wearing my headphones, I hear her apologize from the other side of the wooden partition.)

Luckily, I work at an architectural design firm with a huge library of material samples.  This afternoon, when she started drumming her nails again, I walked down the material library aisles until I found a bunch of thick, soft, velour swatch samples and brought them up to her. I asked if she could do me a favor and put a couple of the swatches on her desk so I won't hear the "tacking" sounds of her nails drumming. I think because I asked her nicely and with a smile, she didn't feel like I was attacking her with my request. She even got a kick out of the fact that I brought up a bunch of different colors from which to choose. (She actually took all of them.) It's amazing how well such a simple solution worked.

I think that's something we sufferers need to remember when asking people to be understanding about our triggers. Sometimes, our annoyance about triggers is so great, that we might come across as too curt when asking someone to stop a trigger. If we're too abrupt/annoyed, it might come across more like a demand than a request. How we ask someone to stop can affect people's response to us. By no means is that an absolute though. Many times when I lived on the east coast, I politely (even sheepishly) tried to ask someone to stop and they wound up doing it even more. I do think that there is something to the saying, "You get more flies with honey than with vinegar" though.  If I hadn't taken a few minutes to walk down to the materials library to collect myself before asking her to stop, the tone of my request might've come across harsher than I intended. I'm not the best with counting to ten before reacting but maybe that's something to consider when addressing nearby misophonia triggers.

When she and I talked about it, she said it helped that she knew about my condition ahead of my asking her to stop. I know it's very hard for us to discuss our condition in the workplace but perhaps taking that proactive step in helping educate our colleagues while our minds are calm can help us when addressing triggers as they occur. 

Most of my posts have been focused on the negative and frustrating aspects of misophonia. I'd like to take a step back and talk about something about me that I believe may be a positive outcome of misophonia (if there is such a thing...)

I've spent a lot of time over the past several months revisiting aspects of my life where misophonia has played a part, through which I've had many a cerebral discussion with my aunt - who was the only person over the years who understood my suffering with sounds, long before we heard about misophonia. Even when I relayed my frustrations after seeing various doctors about my condition, my aunt constantly reminds me about my creative past - my music background (singing, playing multiple instruments), my fine arts (particularly sculpture) background (clay, glass, stone, bronze, acrylic, metal, holography...), my theater background (on and off the stage), my architectural lighting work, my creative writing... The list goes on.  Of course I tell her she's just biased but the more I thought about it, I think my misophonia may have played some part in the heightened sensitivities that allowed me to excel in these creative areas.

The reason why I mention my creative background is that last night, one of my friends (who's also a coworker) invited me to see an acappella group called Pentatonix. What's ironic is that I never told her that I absolutely *LOVE* acappella music. In fact, it was all I listened to during the 90's (mainly college groups, but even professional groups such as The Nylons and The Bobs.) There's just something magical about the human voice being able to blend so well within acapella arrangements. Going to the Pentatonix concert last night brought that musical magic back to me, and then some.

For those of you who might not know Pentatonix, they won the "Sing Off" competition on NBC. (Videos of their performances can be seen here.) I didn't watch the actual Sing Off show, I'm not much into reality television, but last night's performance got me hooked on them. From their singing, to the bass and beat box performances, and even the choreography... The group knew how to entertain. Several of the songs even gave me chills/goose bumps IN A GOOD WAY. I could feel the sound right into my core, and it was incredible. (There was only one time when I had a misophonia moment, but that was when the performers took a break with a little talking banter and someone out in the audience blew an insanely loud - and annoying - whistle.) But besides that... They are very talented performers, and not just singing as a group.  At one point in the show, Kevin “K.O.” Olusola, who does beat box for their arrangements, brought out his cello and performed beat box as he played the cello. It was like Bobby McFerrin and Yo Yo Ma merged into one person.

Granted, other people with misophonia might find some triggers in the sound of beat box accompaniments or maybe other aspects of acappella arrangements, but there's something about the beauty of all those parts coming together into one harmonious sound that's heavenly to my ears.

(As a follow-up to my last post: I went over to the store where I originally bought my awesome earbuds as soon as it opened that morning. I lucked out and got the last pair of Jabra Rhythm headphones to replace the ones that weren't working. I'm VERY happy that worked out.)

Today's going to be an interesting (or shall I say, challenging) day... Yesterday, when I went to a coffee shop at the crack of dawn to make some major progress on my memoir, tragedy struck. My favorite coping tool, a set of noise cancelling earbuds (the ones from my January 19th post), failed on me. Actually, only one earbud died, and it was about time after a year and a half of HEAVY usage and being crammed into the side compartment of my purse, but it was VERY noticeable. 

I tried to fix it with a  little wiggling of the wire but all I got was a brief sputter that didn't last.  I knew I wanted to get a lot of writing done and wasn't willing to chance it by  going home (too many distractions, especially my affectionate cockatiel who's always needy for my attention). So, I hunkered down at a table by the window (after switching locations twice because of triggers nearby), then played music in the one working earbud and put an earplug in the other ear. It was so obvious how amazingly effective those earbuds are. The ear that had the working earbud was completely isolated from outside sounds but the one with the earplug, as good as it is, still let in the dull sound of surrounding conversations. There was no comparison. Those earbuds are awesome! Extremely effective for  blocking my misophonia triggers.

What's interesting is that I found myself noticing the visual triggers around me moreso than the times I've hung out at a coffee shop before. I don't know if it had anything to do with my unusual hearing situation but I found myself switching sided of my little table for two whenever I caught a glimpse of visual triggers in my peripheral vision, (typically, bouncing legs of people sitting at adjacent tables.) I found myself most comfortable at the side of the table that faced the window, but that also put me in the aisle as a potential bumping hazard. So, whenever the triggerer left, I switched back to my original seat only to switch back when a new triggerer emerged. I must've looked silly moving around my table like that, especially when I had to constantly rotate my laptop too, but what could I do?

So, after seven hours and over twelve pages of writing completed, I left the coffeeshop and began my quest to find replacement earbuds. I went to three nearby Verizon stores, since I got them at a store by my office. The first one I walked out as soon as I went in. (Too busy...) The second and third were diagonally across from each other at the mall (still don't understand why they did that). The second one said they didn't offer corded headphones. The third one had corded headphones, but not an exact replacement for what I had. I was only interested in my exact model because in over a decade of wearing corded headphones, they were perfect. Comfortable. Noise-cancelling. Wonderful sound...

[Sigh] I'm just counting down the hours when I can go back to the store where I originally bought them. I've got my fingers crossed that they'll have them again (or at least the newer version of them)...